Trespassers will be shouted at!!!

Boundaries... you find them everywhere:

Countries have boundaries, very specific boundaries, suburbs and neighbourhoods have boundaries, we even have erven to denote our private property.

There are also less formal physical boundaries, like in our work area, restaurants, movie theatres and change rooms, toilet stalls etc.

Most boundaries exist in order to protect those who are within the bordered area, by controlling what and who goes in and out of the borders.

Generally speaking, we all understand, and most of us respect, these boundaries, without there having to necessarily be a huge sign saying: “Trespassers will be prosecuted” attached to the side of your cinema seat.

Although, that being said, it could be quite handy having some mechanism to deter the space invaders in cinema’s and airplanes ;)

We are ‘taught’ the rules of these ‘physical’ boundaries from the day we are born and they are very much just part of the status quo, something we never really question and just accept, until we get older when we begin to question these physical boundaries and to be honest most social norms.

Now I get what boundaries are, and I understand why they are there, but the problem comes when we refer to personal or emotional boundaries.

This is something I thought I was always good at, until I got older and realized that shouting at people to protect myself was a coping mechanism I was using to deal with the fact that I have no boundaries – a bit like a dog barking at an intruder!

Obviously when you start working, shouting at people isn’t really a socially acceptable way of dealing with social conflicts especially when you work in the social sciences, like me. (Which in itself is an irony that I’ll cover later!)

So, when I realized that strong retaliation wasn’t really an option I decided to fall back on the ‘grin and bare it’ mechanism, both these methods were methods I’d used extensively as a child to deal with situations that were completely outside of my emotional and mental capabilities and I’ve mastered them.

If I don’t think I can handle a conflict, I grin and bare it.

If I have found myself already in a conflict, I retaliate.

Well, that clearly isn’t going to work… now is it?

Unless I’m happy with putting up with people constantly treating me in a way that I feel is hurtful or unacceptable and then pushing them away because I’ve let them treat me any way they want.

So... what’s the solution?!... Yip you guessed it…

Establishing physical, emotional, intellectual, sexual and spiritual boundaries.

Deciding what behaviours I find acceptable and unacceptable, and through that communicating and developing healthy boundaries with the people around me.

Sounds easy enough?!

Well its not, because you have to believe there is something to protect inside the walls, before you believe it’s really necessary to build them.